Cheese, you have conquered me...

Well, I'm feeling a little under the weather at the moment. And the culprit is cheese. How you ask? Well, I was doing fine and life was great until last night - and the cheese. Let me share my tragic story with you...

So I was minding my own business, pulling some frozen hamburger patties out of my freezer to fix for my wife and I. As a side note, our freezer is rather stuffed, and opening it can be a hazard unto itself - but I take precautions and try to be on my toes, so to speak, just in case anything gets a little "crazy". Well, I'm pulling the patties out when things start to shift. I move fast, catching the frozen chicken and side stepping the ice cream as it nails the floor. But a 1 lb block of frozen cheddar cheese slipped through my defenses and landed corner first on my big toe.

I'm sure if my wife had been videotaping, the little jig I did dancing away from the refrigerator would have viraled out of control on YouTube. But, thankfully for my dignity, she was occupied trying to comfort our newborn son who had decided his world was shattering moments before these tragic events unfolded. I like to think my son had a prophetic vision of what was soon to befall his father and was only sharing in my anguish.

So after my vision clears and I can slightly limp around, I proceed to fix dinner and try and get on with my evening. But when I went to bed, the pain wouldn't fade. In fact, it steadily throbbed, feeling like someone was shoving a steak knife under my toenail and just going to town there. After writhing in bed for about twenty minutes, I decided my wife would probably have a better nights sleep without my convulsions, so I went downstairs and tried to distract myself with late night talk shows.

I finally realized action would need to be taken on my part when I caught myself fantasizing about what size of drill bit to use on my toenail to drain the blood underneath said toenail which was providing all the pressure on my toe resulting in the pain which was causing me to fantasize about swiss cheesing my toe with my cordless drill. It was then I realized I needed help.

After figuring out when an urgent care facility was open, I finally dragged myself out of the house and down the road to get my toe checked out. The good news was it wasn't broken, the bad news was that didn't make it hurt less. So the Doctor did this very interesting thing where he basically used a very small, thin heated thingy (reminded me of a miniature soldering iron, without the solder) to put a small hole in my toenail to drain the blood. Yay. That didn't hurt a bit, but after doing that the doctor grabs starts dabbing up the blood with some medical gauze or clothe, and then starts MASSAGING my toe to get the blood out. Okay, that was not cool on any scale I know of. He finally let me torment myself, which I proceeded to do in a more gentle manner.

So things are going great, and the blood flow finally dribbles down to a minutiae amount and he puts a band aide on my toe. I get up to leave and make my way to the little check out counter. As the nurse is pulling up my info and figuring out what I owe I start to feel a slight drop in blood pressure, and realized I was getting light-headed. I was in the process of swallowing my pride and saying I didn't feel so good and should probably sit down when I realized that my eyes were closed and I was hearing voices from a distance asking if I was okay. I had fainted.

That is the weirdest feeling. To be vertical one moment and then realize your eyes had closed and when you open them realize that the floor is behind you, not under you.

So they checked me out and made sure I was okay. I apparently don't do to well with a loss of blood when I'm working off three hours sleep and a virtually empty stomach. I had to call my wife so she could come and get me. And here I sit, a man broken by a block of cheddar cheese, telling the world about it because I'm slightly loopy and think this is something everyone wants to hear about.

They probably don't. You probably don't. But I don't really care, for I am a man who has been broken by a 1 lb block of cheese. Oh how the mighty have fallen...